A Choice with Only Regrets
by KisaraBelle
Summary: Post 57th Expedition. Humanity's strongest made a choice riddled with regrets. One of those regrets is a goodbye he never wanted to say. Rivetra.


Petra Ral,

Commander Erwin ordered me to write you a letter. I don't feel that this is necessary at all, but you know that I can't refuse an order. Apparently, this is supposed to help me to mourn your loss, to move on. I disagree. How is this supposed to finalize your death, Petra? How does this make it easier to accept? How does this shitty letter make it any less painful to say a goodbye I never wanted to say? I guess that now's the time to say it. I've been putting this off for far too long.

I've been having trouble sleeping at night. It started after that expedition, of course. I know the cause — the nightmare that's plagued me every night since that day. I keep seeing your body curled against that tree, the light gone from your eyes and the blood spattered across your face combined with the inhuman way your upper half struggled away from the trunk, head cocked back in a regret-filled haze. To say that seeing you that way shook me to my core is an understatement. That unnatural image will haunt me until the day I die. It only rubbed salt in the wound to leave you against that tree, even if only temporarily, but I know you wouldn't have wanted me to sit there in shock. I know you'd have told me to get Jaeger. I should have protected you above him, Petra. I failed our entire squad. I failed you.

I remember the first time I saw you. I was recruiting for my squad and I wanted only the best that humanity could offer. I was ultimately unimpressed with the trainees in your regiment. I almost walked away until your bright red hair caught my eye. You, Eld, Gunther, and Oluo took to the skies in beautifully synchronized attacks. Your calculating moves were only made more impressive by your team's abilities to make these attacks without speaking to one another, an ability that should have proved useful on your last expedition. If only I'd left before I saw you. You'd still be inside of the walls. Alive.

Enough of that train of thought.

Your technique was nearly flawless. The way you soared through the sky on your maneuver gear with such graceful expertise was the most impressive I'd seen in a long time. I had to have you four for the Special Operations Squad. You were too naturally talented, too well-trained, to slip through my fingers, Petra Ral. I now find myself wishing that you all were clumsy and incompetent, especially you. I like to think that if you were, it would have kept me away from you, that your exquisite red hair and golden eyes would have won you a husband within Wall Sina and you would have been far, far away from the Titans. I frequently wonder why you didn't pick the cowardly way out with the Military Police. If only you'd have opted to join them. You would have died safe deep within the walls without ever seeing the horror that those beasts are. Why was that not your first choice? I will never understand you the way you understood me, Petra Ral. Maybe I just wasn't meant to understand you. Or maybe I didn't have enough time. Maybe if I knew how short our time together would be, I would have spent more of it with you. Or maybe I wouldn't have picked you for my squad at all.

But I didn't know, and I picked you for the squad without a second thought. On our first expedition outside of the walls, I knew I had chosen correctly. You were precise, diligent, and fierce while your heart remained pure. I was extremely impressed with you. I always pretend that you never had that accident on that trip because you never wanted anyone to speak of it. I promise, I won't tell a soul. You'll always be described as the strongest soldier I've ever met when I tell others about you. I won't ever tell them that you ever exhibited fear. You'll be a legend.

I think that every expedition past our first had fed the growing fear in my heart. I feared losing you. I had picked a fine soldier, yes, but in my unprofessional opinion, it was a mistake. You were too bold. By no means was it a bad move for the Special Operations Squad, but I had taken a liking to you. I could tell then that if I lost you, it would be the worst loss I would suffer in my lifetime. I was right. I should have sent you to the Military Police. I should have pretended that you weren't good enough. I apologize for not doing so, Petra Ral. I apologize greatly.

After I lost countless men, you became even more bold than you should have been. You would take my hand in yours beneath the table at breakfast and then throughout the day whenever we were alone. Fairly unprofessional and borderline inappropriate, Petra, but I accepted it. Maybe I'd longed for physical contact with you all along — after all, I never rejected you when you climbed into bed with me long after the rest of the squad had gone to sleep. I took extreme pleasure in wrapping my arms tightly around you when you slept with your head atop my chest. I must say, Petra Ral, you eased a lot of my pain. I wish I could have repaid that favor by saving your life. Even just comforting you in your final moments would have been better than letting you die alone. Dozens of soldiers have died with my words of appreciation ringing in their ears until the very end, but the most important person in my life died alone in the dark depths of a forest. If I'd gotten there just a few minutes sooner, I would have comforted you, Petra. I would have told you how I felt about you — that I loved you, that I would always love you. That you had finally earned your Wings and seen the end of war. Jean Kirschstein was right — not everyone gets to die a dramatic and meaningful death. Not everyone gets the death that they deserve. At least you led a meaningful life, Petra Ral. Your death should have been more peaceful. It should have happened within the walls. It's my fault that it wasn't. Please forgive me.

The day you were taken from me, your father approached me within the walls. He told me about your letters. "She's too young to marry," he said. 'She was also too young to die,' I answered internally. I'm sorry, Petra. If it means anything, I'd have waited for you until he told me you were old enough for marriage. Hell, I'll still wait for you even though you won't be back to accept me. I would have tried to take you away from the Survey Corps, to give you a future with children and even grandchildren... but I know you'd never have let me, Petra Ral. You'd have told me I was crazy, fire burning in your eyes all the while. I loved that fiery passion the most about you, never mind the fact that the very same fire I loved is the fire that took you away from me. That fire is the reason I will feel sick each time I look at the Wings of Freedom. We let that flame burn too brightly and it extinguished itself. It should have burned out slowly, turning to embers in the wind. Instead, your flame was stamped out like a match. This isn't the way I wanted you to leave the Survey Corps. You should still be here.

I'm sorry I left you outside of the walls, Petra Ral. You deserved better than this. You deserved better than everything you've endured. You deserved a world free of Titans. You deserved a world where you could die of old age surrounded by your children — our children. You deserved a dignified death, one where bruises didn't blossom all over your beautiful skin, where battle scars didn't paint the entirety of your body. You deserved a proper burial where your grave was not empty all because of the mistakes of your comrades. Honestly, you deserved to be anywhere but where you are now. I hope it's not too cold, too lonely, beyond these walls. It's been that way within them ever since you earned your Wings and took flight.

They call me humanity's strongest, yet I could not even protect the only person I wanted to fight for. I'm sorry, Petra. Please forgive me. I'll fight in your name until I earn my wings, too.

But I'll never deserve those wings as much as you do. Sleep well, Petra Ral. Sleep well.

Rivaille


End file.
